That's So Gay

I want to point out that I have not received official or professional advice. There has never been a representative who has suggested I should work from the closet. The advice has come from peers who have been left with the impression from others that being "out" can delay career aspirations. The reasons are irrational, but logical. The suggestions make sense, in a completely irrational and irresponsible way, but it makes me feel marginalized. And it makes me wonder, what are we teaching youth by being closeted?


I was reminded this evening about the internal struggles of teens and their sexual orientations. Both men and women, during adolescence, spend a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out where they lay on Kinsey's scale.

Am I heterosexual? bisexual? homosexual? omnisexual?

The reminder came in the form of an intelligent, mature, young man working his way through about a half-dozen permutations of that very struggle before my eyes. He asked questions. I offered insights. He made statements, all of which were painstakingly phrased to ensure nothing was revealed and very little commitment was made. He wanted answers that I could not - or, rather, would not - give.

Now, I could offer some grandiose rationale for not giving him the answers he was crying out for - in his own silent way. I could suggest that we must all live through our own trials. That we cannot become fully actualized adults without enduring the challenges inherent to high school or, more broadly, adolescence. I could say that by giving him my answers, I might change his own natural reactions to any number of stimuli. I might unintentionally alter the choices he would make without my interference. I might have a hand in changing the very direction of his life by making him reconsider his own inclinations in favour of the voice of experience. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. It isn't what seems to keep happening...

You see, it has been suggested that I should keep my mouth shut where my sexual orientation is concerned. I should pass because I can. But, the way it effects me is something I am willing to endure. It is the way it effects those who are looking for a role model - the kind of thing their peers take for granted - that I find most troubling.

Adolescents who are struggling with their sexual identities need to know that there are adults who have shared their strife and have excelled. It isn't enough to read success stories or to see media representations of the ideal outcomes. People need to see real life examples - people they meet and know - in their real lives. Of course, I know that it is not my place to lead someone to a conclusion or decision, implying one way is the way things are or should be (that's the job of organized religion). And I am at a loss. I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling.

It is laughable that people think homophobia is on the way out when their peers are openly encouraged to suppress their sensibilities. My comrades live their lives without regret or concern over the potential discomfort of others. They do not have to internalize the possibility of misunderstanding or try to pass off homophobic remarks as "a different generation" or "not knowing any better" all for the good of the hypothetical overreaction to openness and honesty.

So I am still at a loss. And I could use some advice. Any takers?

Where do we go from here?

   Every now and then I’m reminded why I still need to be a little angry, why I still need to be outspoken. Today, even in a nation where gay marriage is recognized and perfectly legal, children are still struggling to find that sameness that everyone else takes for granted. Children are still struggling to find hope. And we need to give them that hope. Without it, many will not survive the struggle to persist through their tumultuous teenage years into adulthood.

   In 1981, Harvey Milk was murdered for being openly gay and for fighting for gay rights in the city of San Francisco, California. There have been times in my life when I have found myself speaking out against my peers who wear their sexual orientations on their sleeves. Personally, I think my sexual orientation is just about the least interesting thing about me. And yet, I still find myself worried about the reactions of others when I walk into a public environment – a bar, at the beach, and the workplace. So while I am not externally identifiable as gay to most, I have found myself wondering when and where it is appropriate to self-disclose my sexuality. As an educator, is it not my responsibility to offer my students the benefit of my experience? But what about principals who won't hire an openly gay teacher for fear of a public backlash from homophobic, uneducated parents? It's a pretty big question mark...

   So I find myself wondering what the right move is for me and for my peers, students, friends, and family. How can I best represent the interests of all of the people around me, while representing the very truths that underlie my own needs and wants? Usually I'll write a blog with many of my own conclusions. In this instance, I am really hoping for some input. I don't have all of the answers, and the ones I do have lack the same level of certainty that I typically possess for my conclusions. Man, I hate uncertainty.